Ich bin nicht Türkisch

Hallo, sind sie Türkisch?

Ich bin nicht Türkisch.

Naja? Aber woher kommen sie? Nicht Türkei?

[Where do I come from?]

Nein. Ich bin nicht Türkisch. Ich bin eine Amerikanerin.

“Nie, das ist unmöglich. Woher kommen sie? Ihren Familienstadt?”

[Family city? Well most of my mom’s family’s from Cleveland, and my father lives in San Diego. Or is this one of those “official” words you see on documents? Is he asking for my billing zip code? Is he trying to figure out where I live?]


“Versteh mir nicht.”

[No. Shit. Or would that be “nein Scheisse”? Nicht Scheisse? Kein Scheisse? Is there a German equivalent?]

Ihr Vati und Mutti, woher kommen sie? Ihr Nachname?

[Da fuck! Now he wants to know about the genealogy of my last name. What is this guy getting at? Okay, respond in the most elegant way possible]

Um, was?

Ihren Augen sind gross und braun und ihre Nase ist wie ein Berg.

[Berg? Like hamburger? Shit, I know this word. Castle? No that’s Schloss. Wall? No that’s Mauer or Wand or whatever. Berg? What the hell is “Berg”? Like iceberg, like a mountain. Son of a bitch! Did he just say my nose is like a fucking mountain?]

Mein Nase ist wie was?

“Berg, berg, gross, “zig-zag/crooked,” aber ein bisschen hübsch.”

[Is this really happening?]

Was hast du gesagt?

[Oh shit! I just switched to informal.

This dude’s gunna think his horrendous attempt at flirting is working.]

“Naja und deine Beine -”

[Now he’s using the informal. There’s no going back to the formal forms now.

Why is he still talking? Could this get worse?]

Meine Muttie würde mich nie mit einer türkische Frau ausgehen lassen, aber deine exotischen Lippen ….

[Oh yeah it’s getting worse. Sift through your little A-2 brain dictionary. Come on, come on, oh thank goodness my stop is coming up. Now’s my chance to lay it on him! To tell him off, to educate this man on the historical context for which such terms were created in order to oppress people based on their citizenship, gender, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, okay you got this, you got this, stop’s right here. Now use that repertoire of language to educate this man and shut him the fuck up. You got this A-2.]

Nicht jeder mit braunen Augen ist Türkisch.

Nicht jeder, der anders aussieht ist Türkisch.

Nicht jeder mit einer großen Nase ist Türkisch.

Und Ich, ich bin nicht Türkisch.

Und du,

du bist ein Arsch. 

If the BVG was an RPG

  • Okay, finally settled, got my apartment, I’m gunna start exploring the city, looks like I have to select a character okay
  • Select character
  • You have selected — U8
  • Perfect, now that I’ve selected a character, let’s start exploring the-
  • U8 has engaged in a fight
  • Wha- oh godamnit!
  • *Battle Music Initiated* U8 versus Hausverwaltung
  • Use>Magic>Reveler/Drunkard
  • U8 has become intoxicated
  • Hausverwaltung attacks with increased rent prices
  • Oh goddamnit! I just moved here! You fuckin- gah!
  • Use>Power>HAUSMUSIK
  • U8 dances and is now unresponsive to battle commands
  • Hausverwaltung attacks with “Noise Complaint: Final Notice.”
  • U8 is severely injured.
  • Heal!
  • U8 is intoxicated and ignores “Heal.” Uses MDMA.
  • U8 is unresponsive to battle commands uses>item>Berghain Entry Stamp
  • U8 uses combination HAUSMUSIK and Berghain Entry Stamp. Causes massive area effect.
  • Hausverwaltung is confused.
  • Now’s my chance to get out of here!
  • Use>Summon >S41 & S42: The Twins
  • ***long silence*** Where are they?
  • Hausverwaltung is no longer confused.
  • Summon>Night Bus 50!
  • Night Bus 50 will arrive next turn! Or end of match! Or next match!
  • Hausverwaltung summons U6. Combined attack “Fine Print Loophole & Checkpoint Charlie: Tourists.”
  • Combined attack missed U8.
  • Summon>Mieteverein>Mieterverein is closed
  • Flee/Run.
  • You are unable to flee. Hausverwaltung uses “Contract.”
  • Flee/Run.
  • You are unable to flee. Hausverwaltung uses “3 Month Notice.”
  • Flee/Run>Nightbus 50 has arrived! You have successfully fled from the Ringbahn arena!

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