26 Sick Days

Dear Professor,
I am unable to make it to class today because it is raining, and I cannot afford the proper shoes.

Dear Professor,
I did not attend class because your comments were hurtful. I hope to complete the course and attain the necessary credits from afar.

Dear Professor,
I didn’t want to disappoint you because I had nothing today.

Dear Professor,
I worked 45+ hours this week, my computer crashed, could only afford coffee, not dinner, and I am currently in the library salvaging what is left of my paper. I will take the absence but I cannot afford the “F.”

Dear Professor,
I cannot function today.

Dear Professor,
I decided to drive out to the sand dunes instead. It was beautiful, and I needed it.

Dear Professor,
I cannot make it to class today because I have been absorbed into a parallel dimension. I will resume my normal Earthly duties after page 379.

Dear Professor,
I drink too much for any human being.

Dear Professor,
I stayed in bed all day listening and watching the rain. I imagined it was cleansing me of all this.

Dear Professor,
They have taken over my thoughts, my computer. Even now, these words are not my own. How did you expect me to write this existential paper on linguistics? The creation of it, in and of itself, is–

Dear Professor,
I was going to be late because I had to move my car before it got ticketed. But, I got a ticket anyway, and then had to leave, to go to work, to pay off the ticket. I should also let you know I’ll be missing the next couple class sessions as well.

Dear Professor,
I am sick. I cannot physically contort my body into a driving position today. I am not sure what is wrong. I hope to make it to the doctor sometime this week.

Dear Professor,
I’d like to see where this morning takes me.

Dear Professor,
I really am a good student. I swear! I’m just not a very good adult.

Dear Professor,
I had two left. Figured I’d use them before the end of the semester.

Dear Professor,
I am student #30799. My desk coordinates are 3rd latitude, 4th longitude, sometimes 5th. Unless #4025 is there. god i hate #4025.

Dear Professor,
I am doing laundry. Yes. All of it.

Dear Professor,
I have nothing left to learn from you, so I have chosen to stay home and watching mindless television instead.

Dear Professor,
I would like to discuss my final grade with you. When are your office hours?

Dear Professor,
I am sorry for missing class as I had a family emergency. I can receive up to three absences in your class, and I get three days of bereavement from work. I’m sorry for the inconvenience. I’ll be in class on Monday.

Dear Professor,
I don’t belong here. I need a day to remind myself why I am.

Dear Professor,
We lost my grandmother.

Dear Professor,
Really? How much longer are we gunna do this? Can’t we just be done already? You know that

Dear Professor,
I know I am near the end but I just can’t. I’m too afraid of being wrong.

Dear Professor,
Please disregard the previous email. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I’m finally done. I’m intellectually unbound.

Dear Professor,
The email address you entered couldn’t be found. Please check the recipient’s email address and try to resend the message. If the problem continues, please contact your helpdesk.

The following organization rejected your message: aspmx.l.athenaeum.edu.

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