Never Thought

I never thought I’d live this long

As a queer,

AIDS or God’s wrath.

As a women,

domestic violence,

if not, domestic servitude

As an Iranian-American,

target for a hate crime

As a ‘passing’ Iranian-American,

a 9-5 life and a Mercedes would have done it

Not to mention —

Let’s not mention it.

I just 

Didn’t think I would live this long.

 

I am reminded of choosing to matter

Looking at my reflection 

I see you

scar on your forehead

almond eyes

three little chin hairs

I see you

 

But does my body?

Does my body know me?

I am forced to trust it 

It is the only one I have

But does it know?

Does it?

Does it truly?

Does the body know,

When something is deemed useless?

Does it know,

about toxicity

and the purging of memories?

Does it know,

When I am frightened and quickens its pace?

Does it know,

When to shut up and turn about face?

Does it know,

That love is infinite

but endorphins temporary?

Does it know,

That I should be able to take mushrooms

(at least once!)

And not purge it from my system.

Does it know,

When ‘it’ is lonely?

Does it? Do I?

Do I? Do I know?

What do I know? 

What do I know about my body?

 

This body on temporary loan

This body of autonomous sub-systems 

This body that moves

through space

To experience space

with this body.

Does it know,

that it is mine?

But is it really?

It truly belongs to my mother

She made it for me

Her prototype

And I’m going to have to give this body back

at some point.

I just 

never thought I’d live this long.